The secret to restaurant-quality cooking is a callous, almost psychopathic disregard for your dinner guests’ well-being. How much salt should you put in that risotto? An alarming amount, Susan. An alarming amount.*
And how much butter? A triple-bypass-worth, Louis. We’re going to shave years off your uncle’s life tonight with these brownies, and he’s going to love you for it.
This is how professional chefs work their magic. It’s the reason they stay out of sight in the kitchen. They don’t want to see the diners. That would humanize them. That would make it impossible to do their job, which is to recklessly disregard everything we think we know about a healthy diet.
The USDA recommends cooking chicken breast to a minimum temperature of 165 °F. We’re aiming for 150. Why? Because overcooked chicken is an insult to your guests. And, frankly, to the chicken.
Now, you might be wondering, “is ChefSteps really recommending that we endanger our guests?” Of course not, Lupita. We’re recommending that you straight-up murder them.
Murder them with the best burger they’ll ever eat. Brutalize them with pork belly that explodes with flavor in every bite. Make them cry for their umamis.
Salt. Oil. Heavy Cream. MSG. Sugar. Salt. Booze. Butter. More butter. More salt.
All meals should be cooked with love. But if you really want to knock their socks off, you’re going to have to cook with just a dash of hate. And a wanton disregard for health, and basic human decency. This meal will be an obscenity; an absolutely delicious affront to nature.
Make it a meal to die
*By an “alarming amount of salt,” we of course mean the ideal amount of salt as calculated as a percentage of the overall weight of the dish. We discuss this further in our ultimate guide to modernist barbecue, and our ultimate burger patty guide for purists.